thursday, november 15, 2007

is it me

is this me
hiding here
waiting
i thought i was lost
maybe
i was simply
overlooked
everyone
had their ideas
what i should do
who i should be
but maybe
it's time
time for me
to breathe
and believe
and trust
maybe i am
real
valuable
worthwhile
maybe
this
is me

tuesday, october 2, 2007

hold me

been sitting lately
at the gates of hell
tempted to enter
not sure why
i hold back
it's hard
to stay here
but i'm scared
to move
i thank those
who pray for me
as i cannot
pray for myself
i feel a need
to fall on my knees
a need for forgiveness
a need for hope
i am broken
in pieces
i need healing
and wholeness
my God
please don't leave me
hold me

friday, september 14, 2007

inside

i know there are places
i cannot reach
parts of me
longing
to be free
the chains
that bind
this heart
and soul
i struggle
to find the key
i know some day
or at least
i hope
i will be free
from these pains
and i will know
what's inside

tuesday, september 4, 2007

troubled waters

the storm is full
the sky is dark
the waters rage
the trouble engulfs me
i hold on
to what
i don't know
only
i know
i must
hold on
troubled waters
surround me
threaten
to drown me
so i wait
cry into the night
and hold on
for hope
to help me walk
across these waters
and find
the light
again

monday, august 6, 2007

folly

i am prisoner
to my own
folly
believing the lies
i conquer the world
only to find
the world
has conquered me
hopefully soon
i can find
a decrease
in folly
and some
salvation

friday, august 3, 2007

for amazing grace

amazing grace
how sweet the sound
please save a wretch like me
i am so lost
need to be found
am blind
please help me see

monday, july 30, 2007

miracle

dear God
i need a miracle
i need
to be a miracle
if i could receive
the gift
of my sanity
if you would
help out a little
'consecrated to God'
you see
i think it's no joke
no accident
and i would
appreciate
if you would
keep your end
of the bargain
and thus help me
keep mine
so if you
aren't terribly busy
i could use
a miracle

friday, july 27, 2007

tonight

here i am
tonight
holding on
knowing
what i've done
and knowing
all i can do
is keep going
it tries to speak
tell me
i am unloved
but i have to fight
i can't give in
can't let it win
i won't
not again
it tries
to tell me
i am not good enough
not important
not worth it
but i won't listen
not anymore
if i ever want
to make it
to get
what i want
i can't listen
it isn't true anyway
lies
it tells me lies
and i can't believe them
i am worth
something
i am
loved
and that is all
i need
to know

thursday, july 19, 2007

don't let me fall

my God
i'm here
again
still
desperate
fighting within
wanting
wishing
hoping
never knowing
if any of it will come true
afraid to fall
again
wanting to reach out
but knowing it's wrong
not sure
where to go
what to do
waiting
is all i can do
the time passes
too slowly
yet too fast
because i still
am here
with nowhere to go
not knowing
what's next
wanting to move
but having to stay
it's here again
and i don't know
what to do
it won't let me be
but is it me?
or can i lose it
escape
heal
please
will i ever
make it through
be whole?
i don't want this
this can't be me
and it should pass
but for now
i need
grace
to make it through

thursday, june 21, 2007

grace of faith

o for a faith
to see me through
when hell is near
singeing
the frayed edges
of my soul
i walk
through the valley
as so many
have done
before me
and i look up
to see
the grace of faith
washing over me
the relief
will carry
my soul to hope
the gift of faith
to move on
to grow
renew
become

tuesday, june 19, 2007

restless

feeling restless tonight
but no wind of change
is in sight
knowing time
is all i have
i have things i want
but still don't
want what i have
not all of it
never satisfied
always looking
for what?
will i know
when i find it?
will i find it
my soul is waiting
for some rest
a place
to call home
to feel the sense
that purpose
is being met
is it possible?

friday, june 8, 2007

friend or foe?

love
friend or foe?
keeping me awake
anxious nights
disturbing my days
wondering
waiting
wishing
wishing not
why
do you play these games
with me
with all of us
torturing
healing
helping
hurting
making giddy
and tearing apart
most prized
and most despised
making virtues like patience
become an arduous test
doth love befriend me
or ruin me?

tuesday, june 5, 2007

driving

sometimes
when i'm driving
i see the road
stretch before me
endlessly
no end in sight
fields
and life
on both sides
away from it all
just me and God
and life
except i am free
and sometimes
i just want to drive
forever

tuesday, may 29, 2007

muse-ings

my muse has called
urged
whispered to my soul
calling me
to take up pen
and spread words
life
across a page
open my soul
to the world
share life
love
hope
or pain
sorrow
fear
the muse strikes
at any time
disturbs life
calls me out of time
across space
to express things
words cannot say
hoping to share
the subconscious
otherworld
some have forgotten
how to see

monday, may 28, 2007

help my unbelief

"lord i believe
help my unbelief"
maybe that's the prayer
Jesus said was the
way to send out
the demon
if so
maybe
it will work
for me

friday, may 25, 2007

little notes

i think God
leaves us
little notes
and thank God for that
i need these notes
like i need air
a good song
a kind word
a knock on the head
even rain
are the little
reminders
that God hasn't
given up on me
and thank God for that

thursday, may 10, 2007

Mysteries of History

As I pack
making decisions
looking
thinking
I am reminded
of then
those times
of love
good
bad
ill
transported
through time
As much as
I don't want
to remember
It's there
part of me
shaping me
I can't deny
those years
those tears
those fears
scattered
among hopes and dreams
maybe
I can take those things
and grow

tuesday, may 8, 2007

SILENCE

i'M STILL DIFFERENT
JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
EVERYONE
HAS SOMEONE
OR SO THEY SAY
TO HELL WITH DRUGS
i DON'T NEED EM
i SHOULD TAKE A HOLIDAY
NO ONE LISTENS ANYWAY
ALL i DO
IS SCREAM
i SHOUT TO YOU
i RAGE AT THIS
SILENCE
BECAUSE IF
YOU ONLY CARE
WHEN i'M HERE
WHAT GOOD IS THAT?
WHY THE HELL
DO i STICK AROUND
FOR THIS?
NO ONE READS
NO ONE HEARS
i YELL SO LOUD
IT CAN'T BE HEARD
i DON'T KNOW WHY
i LIVE IN THIS
HELL
i NEED SO MUCH
IT ISN'T FAIR
AND i DON'T SEE ANYTHING
PEOPLE ARE DYING
STARVING
STEALING
SUFFERING
AND i ONLY WANT IT
IT IS SO CRAZY
i YELL INTO
SILENCE
IT RINGS IN MY EARS
i WANT IT TO END
THOSE WHO ARE SICK
STARVING
STILL HAVE HOPE
i LOST MINE
SOMEWHERE
IN THE DARK
SILENCE
i SEEK DEATH
FOR COMFORT
BUT IT ELUDES ME
AND BRINGS
NO FORGIVENESS
SO WHERE ARE YOU
WHEN i NEED YOU
AND WHY
WON'T YOU ANSWER
THIS
SILENCE

sunday, april 29, 2007

abandoned

my God my God
why have you
forsaken me
where have you gone?
why do you hide your eyes?
why are mine
not dry?
why do you
allow these demons
to torment me?
can you punish me
for what i do
to try to escape
what you leave
for me to fight
on my own?
been to hell
not sure i'm back
where are the angels?
and why do you leave
some of your children
out here
in this cold
dark
horror
inescapable
and deadly
where is your hand
and the grace
we desperately need
i reach for you
but cannot find you
can't you hear our cries?
do not look away anymore
acknowledge us
save us
show us you have not
abandoned us
help me

darkness

this darkness creeps
won't let me be
invades my soul
comes from somewhere
i don't know
and don't want to be
steals my joy
corrodes my hope
envelopes my life
closes my eyes
venomous aches
poisonous grief
grip my soul
hold me captive
and certain of nothing
reaching forever
unable to grasp anything
unable to see
the way out
taunts me with good days
destroys my future
they say it will get better
time will heal the wounds
but they haven't been here
they say it from the shore
not drowning in the depths
they can see
the other side
they have the time to wait
they say i am important
they say it will get better
i just don't know
that i can wait
that long
i can't wait
forever

friday, april 27, 2007

these things

these things in life
i see every day
i do not understand
how did i get here
and where am i going
why does it not
make more sense
alone is wrong
but company is confusing
two souls growing
sharing space
is hard on both
and this soul
feels old
always old
and untrusted
and different
and all it wants
is a place to call home
and a love to share
for a God who sees
you seem nearsighted
sometimes
i don't understand
but i can't get away from you
so why
can't you explain
a little more

love

it seems sometimes
i'm the only one left
who cares
about caring.
friendly banter
is not so friendly
maybe i'm guilty too.
i often feel
it's two against one
and i'm one.
why do they only see
what is mean
even if it isn't.
i can barely speak
because they get upset
and call me mean
and pull away.
my voice
my soul
is masked
by a veil
i do not see
did not put there
and cannot remove.
i am caught
in this trap
this net
of imperfection
and sin
and guilt
without the freedom
or ability
to be free.
what can i do
to show you
my soul is clean?
and why is love
never what it seems.

sunday, april 22, 2007

change

things change
they will soon
change again
am i ready?
i don't know
i wish i knew
all the time You were here
i guess i do
but sometimes
it's hard
and i feel so lost
and useless
i know we all
share these things
but that doesn't make it
easier
and it's still lonely
but i guess
all things change

digging deeper

i feel so dry
maybe i should dig
deeper
find the source again
the well ran dry
so i try
not to drown
in the darkness
of nothing
as i search
for water
life
soul
that i lost
i hope
it's temporary

wednesday, april 4, 2007

dis courage

i know
i'm hard to know
sometimes
a smile
a hug
a kind word
acknowledgement
is all i need
sometimes
i get lost
in myself
and i start
to drown
i can't see
where i've been
or where i can go
and i forget
what it can be like
i'm sorry to be
difficult
i wish
i could do better
if you can give me
another chance
again
please
don't
give up

tuesday, april 3, 2007

questions for you

How deep am I
in your soul?
Really deep?
Or simply shallow
too shallow to notice
except
when I stir guilt
If I disappeared
would you notice?
If it was over
would it really matter?
Why is it different?
Would you really
shed a tear
for me?
Or just for you
When you see me
are you glad?
Or just relieved
Is it really for me?
Or just you
I know
I don't fit
in your world
or any world
But I don't understand
how they did
and why
they were better
I try
I know it's not enough
I just wonder
if it ever was

when

how is it
that nothing i do
is ever enough
for you
and you
and you
and you
how is it
i feel i put
my self into it
and it isn't enough
always
there is something
something else
you think i should have done
i didn't know
you didn't say
until after i failed
again
how is it
that i
am not enough
for you

writing

This work
of putting
pen to paper
type on a page
filling space
with words
Is soul work
not for the weak
or timid
all the dark secrets
and intimate joys
can be smeared
across a page
Taken to heart
or disregarded
My truth
lies here

monday, april 2, 2007

it has my soul

The grass is green
mostly
the sky is clear
mostly
I stand in my box
always watching
shouting to my teammates
directing and praising
The ball flies at me
I hit the ground
securely holding my prize
Bruises and scrapes
and wounded pride
this is no game
it's a life
It possesses you
and encompasses your soul
your being
your life
They can take you out
but they can't
take it out of you
Forever it holds
you in its embrace
The grass
the sky
the smells
the pain
the glory
blood lost
for blood gained
Wrestling with God
as you fly across its mouth
snatch your prey
and ruin their moment
Wrestling with God
as it flies past you
and they ruin
your moment
Another day
Another play
Head home
But it has you
deep in your soul
you know
Soccer

sunday, april 1, 2007

i sometimes wonder

Sometimes
I wonder why
they would call me selfish
if I left.
Sometimes
I wonder why
they aren't selfish
for wanting me to stay.
Sometimes
I wonder
if they really know
what it's like here.
Sometimes
I wonder
how I got here
in the first place
and why I was left
so alone.

fate?

Is there such thing as fate?
Am I doomed
to one end?
Is this the way
it's always going to be?
If it happens
does it matter
if it's now
or later?
Can that be my lot?
Am I
a soulless vessel
waiting until
I can wait no more?
Is it really wrong
or just hard?
Unforgivable
or irreconcilable?
Condemnatory
or confusing?
Have any of us had a choice?
Some regret
call it a mistake
but for others
was it not right?
not the only
viable option left?
Is this a demon rule
possession forever
we are shackled
and no longer our own
but taken by a force
we cannot defeat
that leads us down
and seals our fate?
Is there such thing as fate?

monday, march 26, 2007

who says?

she's not suffering anymore
that's what they said
some were almost glad
but when it's my turn
only i will be glad
why is that
it seems unfair
don't they know
all i know is hell
and it doesn't matter
because it's selfish
but i suffer
because that's all i have
and if i stop no one is glad

sunday, march 18, 2007

post one:
fly away
story time
here are things to tell
what do you know
take the road
make a journey
tell the story
never to return
grow
live